How Far Can A Physical Relationship Go Before Marriage?
This question always reminds of a guy filling out his taxes wondering how much he can fudge the numbers before he crosses the line and actually is lying to the IRS. Or the person who tweaks their job resume so much that they are actually lying. Maybe we are asking the wrong questions. It seems it is human nature to always want to get by with as much as we can without getting into trouble. Still, I’m married and get to have lots of sex so maybe I’m just being a bit harsh, forgetting what it was like to be reclining on a couch with someone, watching a romantic movie and feeling the tingle of lustful passion beginning to resonate inside my bones…
No matter, I’m going to go on the conservative side today as I answer this question. If you and your partner decide I’m whacked and want to take this advice down a notch or two, so be it. With that disclaimer, here are a couple thoughts:
First, remember that the devil will always promise you more than you’re going to get, take you further than you want to go, and make you pay more than your able to pay. I meet more and more people today who have decided that “sex” is just about intercourse. Thus, partner to partner manual stimulation, oral sex, grinding, etc. are all within bounds. Not long ago, I was talking to some high school girls who have all made “abstinence only” commitments through their local churches and even wear the pretty rings. Still, they feel totally justified attending “blow-job” parties with the boyfriends because technically they are not having sex. Such logic couldn’t be further from the truth.
Putting all the sexually transmitted disease issues aside, sex is more than intercourse. Biblically when Paul refers to sex in the seventh chapter of first Corinthians, he begins by saying it’s good for a man to “not touch” a woman. Paul knew those who were unmarried could better serve God, and wanted those who could abstain to not marry. But look at the word Paul used – “touch”. The same Greek word is used repeatedly when Jesus touched people to heal them, and it means “to fasten one’s self to, adhere to, cling to”. The word is intimate, but not inherently sexual. It sure seems that Paul was concerned about more than just sexual intercourse – he seems to be excluding all intimate contact between unmarried men and women. Of course, you can argue that Paul was living in a very different time and culture than we are today. That’s true.
Hey, in today’s culture, where boundaries are becoming more and more permeable, Jesus still invites us to live from a much more radical and challenging place. Our relationships should be life-giving, not life-stealing. Our contact with others should reflect God’s goodness, not taint it. Ultimately how that is walked out must be guided by the Holy Spirit.
Secondly, here is a good rule of thumb about how we draw a Godly line regarding what we can and can not do with a man or woman to whom we are not married. Read that statement again – “to whom we are not married.” Just think about it logically—if I as a married man, kissed another woman passionately or rubbed on the crotch of a woman’s jeans other than my wife’s, would it be sin? It is not likely my wife would say “It’s okay, it’s not sex”. No, she would probably give me a pretty severe beating and then pack her bags to move to her sister’s house…
Or look at it this way, if a wife performed oral sex on some man other than her husband, would he be wrong to be upset because “it’s not sex?” Clearly these examples are cases of sexual sin! If its sexual sin for a married person to do these things with another, then how can it not be sexual, or not be sin, for two single people to do these things? Why would it be alright to do these things with anyone we feel close to while we are single, but not after we marry?
So, think about a healthy married couple you know and respect. If you are really trying to find some physical boundaries to live within, just ask how you would feel if the spouse of that married couple was behaving the same way with someone they were not married to. Chances are that’ll keep you life-giving in your relationship.