Help for the Wise Woman In Turning Away Wrath
By Bonnie Thompson
Available in booklet form at:
www.biblicalframeworkcounseling.org
Written as a wedding gift to our daughter-in-law, Rebecca, and dedicated to my mother, bear pet Johnson, God's gift to me, who maintain a home of peace and joy for my father, my brother and me. Personal note:
If you are reading this, after Time has passed in your marriage, when many angry moments have weaken, your relationship with your husband, do not lose, hope, for our God is a God of hope.
At the earliest opportunity, after confessing
your sins to God, apologize to your husband for
your unloving provocation towards him-whatever the
Holy Spirit convict you of. Ask your husband's
forgiveness and start anew, accepting God's
forgiveness in Christ, and bathing your mind in the
Scriptures used here. Our god is able to heal,
Restore, renew. How wonderful he is!
In His Service.
B.T.
Help for the Wise Woman In Turning Away Wrath
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1
We should commit this verse to memory, as it is a powerful truth.
In God’s Word, our husbands are instructed not to “be embittered against” us (Col. 3:19). Also, they are told that their prayers will be hindered if they do not live with their wives “in an understanding way” (I Pet 3:7). It is, therefore, to our benefit and that of our families that we be part of the solution when our husbands are angry, not part of the problem. Definitely, we want to avoid being the root cause of their anger.
There are two areas that will be addressed here concerning a husband’s anger. First, when our husbands are angry because of another situation outside of ourselves, how can we help them? Secondly, when our husbands are angry with us, how are we to conduct ourselves to resolve the
matter, at least on our part? The Scriptures always give guidance.
At times it will seem as if our husbands are upset with us, when in truth, they are mostly upset by another situation. If we are wise, we will not respond to another’s anger with our own anger (I Pet. 3:9). Instead, we are to search our hearts for any unloving thoughts toward our angry spouses and confess them to the Lord (I Jn. 1:9), allowing Him to fill us with His Spirit (Eph. 5:18). Then we should apologize to our husbands for any unloving attitudes we think they may have picked up from us (Matt. 5:24, Rom. 12:18)
Here is the key always to building our homes (Prov. 14:1): Walk in the Spirit not in the flesh that would have us react unlovingly to the impatience, criticalness or unkindness of our husbands (Gal. 5:16).
To help our husbands, who are angry due to another situation that we have no control over, a question that is helpful to ask them is, “Honey, what are you upset about?” or “Is something bothering you?” We should ask patiently and be available to listen or “draw them out” (Prov. 20:5), without rushing to correct them. We should “bear the burden” (Gal. 6:1-2) and pray for wisdom and timing in what we are to say – if anything (Ps.32:8, Prov. 25:11). At times, if our husbands remain upset and unopen to hear counsel, a simple, “I’m sorry this has happened” (Gal. 6:1-2) is perhaps al that we should say. Then we should continue praying for them in our heart that they would confess their anger to the Lord and receive forgiveness and peace. We should pray that the Lord would lead us in how to best help maybe silence, maybe offering counsel respectfully (Eph. 5:33) and patiently (Gal 5:22). The Lord will lead us as our attitude is loving (I Cor. 13:4-7).
Praying before responding to anger is very important (I Thess. 5:17, Eph. 6:18, Neh. 1:11, 2:4). We should remember not to respond until we have listened to our husbands (Prov. 18:13, James 1:19). “Do not be wise in your own eyes…” (Prov. 3:7). We should guard our hearts against any impatience that we may have in response to their anger (I Cor. 13:4a). We must choose to love the angry person with God’s love (I Cor. 13:4-7, Prov. 15:1).
When our husbands are truly angry with us because we have provoked them by our attitude, action, or speech, we should not defend ourselves (Matt. 5:23-24) or make excuses, because acknowledgement of wrongs, in true humility, is the conduct of a wise woman (Prov. 11:2). We are not the issue but God’s glory is (I Cor. 10:31). It is important that our husbands receive a sincere apology and request for forgiveness, for “Blessed are the peacemakers” (Matt. 5:9, Rom. 12:18, James 3:17-18).
This is also an opportunity (from the Lord) to receive the Lord’s instruction through our husbands on how we may not repeat the matter that has given our husbands an opportunity to become angry. Teachableness is a quality of a wise woman (Prov. 9:9).
Truly, if we are wise women we will know our husbands’ needs and avoid the ways in which they may be provoked to anger. We will instead endeavor to provoke our husbands to love (Heb. 10:24) and therefore “build our house” (Prov. 14:1).
Below are some ways in which we can be a part of the problem or a part of the solution to our husbands’ anger. There is no order of importance, as every husband or wife is unique. God can use the weaknesses of our spouses as an instrument (Rom 8:28) in His transforming us, His Beloved Children, into the image of Christ (Rom 8:29). May we submit ourselves to His Potter’s Wheel without a flinch!
Ways We Provoke Our Husbands’ Anger
(Prov. 15:1b, Gal. 5:26)
1) Uncovering their sin or weaknesses to others in their presence or behind their backs (Prov. 12:4b, 18:8, 10:12, 17:9).
2) Manipulating our husbands by various means to make decisions based o n what we desire, or, after a decision has been made that displeases us, responding negatively toward them (I Cor. 13:5b).
3) Discontentment with our husbands in any way (Phil. 2:14, I Tim. 6:6).
4) Taking the side of our children or other relatives or acquaintances against our husbands ni our husbands’ presence or behind their backs (Gen. 2:24, Matt. 19:5-6).
5) Placing our husbands’ needs or requests after those of others (Prov. 14:1).
6) Speaking or acting in a disrespectful manner toward them (Prov. 12:4,
14:1, 16).
7) Making no apology or acknowledgement of wrong when our attitudes or actions toward our husbands are unloving (Prov. 16:18).
8) Holding a grudge or being unforgiving when our husbands have wronged us, hurt us, or disappointed us (I Cor. 13:5).
9) Not consulting our husbands on decisions we doubt that our husbands would approve of, or even going against their desires (Prov. 12:4, 14:1).
10) Not listening to our husbands when they are talking or want to talk with us (Prov, 18:13, Gal. 6:2).
11) Denying our husbands sexual rellations with us (1 Cor, 7:5).
Ways We Can Provoke Our Husbands to Love
(Prov. 15:1a, Heb. 10:24)
1) Communicating to others our husbands’ strengths (Prov. 12:4a. Eph. 5:33). Offering correction only in private (Gal. 6:1 .)
2) Praying for God’s guidance for our husbands. Communicating our reasons for our desires lovingly, leaving the final decision in God’s Hands by following our husbands’ decisions (Prov. 3:5-6, Eph. 5:22-24, I Pet. 3:1).
3) Same as above except for the addition of thankfulness, offered up to God in everything and openly expressing gratefulness to our husbands for the provision God has supplied through them (Eph. 5:20, Heb 13:5, 15).
4) Showing respect for our husbands’ God- given position before others – especially our children (Eph. 5:23)! In private and at the right time (Prov. 25:11) communicating in a gentle and quiet spirit (1 Pet. 3:4) our thoughts on matters of correction or disagreement. Praying (I Thess. 5:17).
5) Planning our day around our husbands’ needs or requests of us. Prioritizing them (Titus 2:4, 5; 1Pet. 3:1, 2).
6) Respecting our husbands in our actions and speech-being sensitive to them (Eph.
5:33).
7) Sincerely apologizing when our actions or attitudes have been unloving, even if we are unsure whether they have picked up on them (Matt. 5:23-24, I Cor, 13:4).
8) Forgiving, keeping short accounts when we are sinned against. Sharing lovingly, respectfully and in a timely way (Prov. 25:11) our hurt. See #4 on showing respect (Eph. 4:32, Col. 3:12, 13).
9) Following our husbands’ decisions and consulting them for God’s guidance (Eph. 5:24, Col. 3:18, Titus 2:5, I Pet. 3:1-4). Exception: When we are asked to clearly disobey God’s Word (Acts 4:19, 5:29).
10) Making listening to our husbands an important priority (Rom. 12:15, Jas.1:19).
11) Always being available for marital relations, even “making love” by faith. If we are ill, asking that a time be planned, when we have recovered and keeping that commitment (1 Cor. 7:3-5).
Why are our husbands angry? If we are unsure, God is not. God knows the hearts of our husbands, as He knows ours. As we become women of prayer, walking in close fellowship with Our Lord, the Prince of Peace will lead us in building a house filled
with His peace.
Becoming our husbands’ (and children’s) prayer warriors is God’s high calling. In eternity, we will find how greatly our commitment to prayer was used by God to bring about His glory in our homes.
May we spend time each day in prayer and Bible study and build our homes to the glory of God. May He be praised!